6 Tips for Dating Someone With Bipolar: My Confession
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Bipolar is a mental illness that affects everyone that has a relationship with them. This is especially true for someone dating someone with Bipolar. It affects your relationship from time to time.
Being in a relationship with someone with a serious long-term illness can frustrate you, be stressful and lonely. This is especially true when you are dating someone with Bipolar. It is hard for other people to understand what you go through day in and day out.
Bipolar is an illness that affects people differently. You can have 3 people in a room some of their symptoms would be the same, but a lot different as well. The main reason for this is that there are different types of Bipolar. Even the medications they are on are different. Some people hear that our loved one has Bipolar and either offer advice (That we did not ask for) or opinions (again that we did not ask for). They also feel the need to share horror stories about mental illness.
There are a lot of things we still do not know about mental health. There are things we know, however. Mental illness is becoming more mainstream, which is a good thing but there is still so much more that needs to be done for people to understand it and the stigma to be gone.
Many people still fear and misunderstand people who have been diagnosed with mental illness. Mental illnesses can affect persons of any age, gender, race, religion, or income. This illness is not a result of personal weakness, lack of character, or poor upbringing. Although symptoms of mental illnesses can sometimes disturb, recovery is usually possible in almost all cases.
It is human nature to fear what we do not understand. This fear usually carries a certain stigma that generates negativity when talking about mental illness. Unfortunately, because of the stigma, many people are reluctant to seek treatment for their mental illness. It can embarrass enough to admit you suffer from a mental illness, let alone have the stigma along with it.
We incorporate myths with such mental health problems. Here are a few of the most common ones:
While some mentally disturbed individuals have committed crimes or have hurt other people, it is certainly untrue that all persons with psychological problems can harm others around them. My husband is more apt to harm himself than anyone else.
Another myth says that people with mental illness are less intelligent than others. Many studies have shown that most mentally ill people have average or even above-average intelligence. My husband is one of the most intelligent people I know, and I am not just saying this because he’s my husband. I joke that he’s my rain man. He has knowledge and memory of topics that I would never even think of, let alone have the knowledge of. Sometimes talking to him is like taking a test I didn’t study for.
One key thing I want people to know is that words can hurt people who suffer from mental illness. Words such as crazy, psycho, or wacko can really keep the stigma of mental illness alive.
Horror stories such as “oh my neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s kid was Bipolar and just snapped and killed XYZ”. Um, gee thanks? I think? Why do they do this? I do not know! It is not just with Bipolar. It is that way with any kind of illness. The “One up game” of it comes out to play.
If someone mentions to you their loved one has Bipolar, it is an act of faith. It is not something we walk around blasting from the rooftops! Everyone has stress, but dating someone with Bipolar is on a whole new level. With that said, a Bipolar diagnosis is not the end of the world. It just means life differs from you envisioned. It can be controlled and managed but sadly, there is no real cure for it. To add to our stress, something that was working beautifully for a long time can suddenly not work one day and boom downward spiral.
There are some things you can do to help someone that is dating someone with Bipolar.
If you really want to help a Bipolar caregiver’s stress level, here are some things to never say or for you to understand.
1. Wow, I see him/her out in public all the time and did not notice anything “wrong”.
First of all, there is nothing WRONG with our loved one. Bipolar is an illness that they did not ask for. It means their brain is wired differently than others, but it is not WRONG, just different. You also have to understand, they do not want to appear “different” to anyone. They want to blend in, not stand out. It takes all of their strength and mental energy to hide their symptoms when in public.
Unfortunately, that means all their frustrations and anger ends up directed at the people that love them the most, their family. You may mean well, but when you tell us you do not notice what we see, it diminishes our frustrations, feelings, and what we experience.
People with Bipolar disorder are also more prone to substance addiction and this is something that loved ones may have to deal with as well. It can make things even more complicated. Sometimes, the only solution is to get help from a facility such as the Woburn Addiction treatment Center, to get things under control.
2. Don’t tell us we do not deserve help, or we deserve our stress because we knew what we were getting into.
First of all, it is downright rude and cruel! I knew from the day I met my husband that he has Bipolar. That did NOT, however, prepare me for what it takes to help him be the absolute best man he can be. Knowing now how sick he really is, would I change my mind about being with him? Honestly, NO! Every single person on this earth is deserving of love and compassion. There are times life is difficult and my stress is through the roof but that does not mean I regret loving my husband and marrying him. He is the love of my life, and I do not know what I would do without him.
3. Bipolar manifests differently in everyone.
Like I said before, there are different types of Bipolar. While some symptoms are the same, some are different. Plus not everyone has the same exact symptoms. To even complicate it more, one symptom can be more severe than another. It is a true roller coaster for the patient and anyone in a relationship with them. Imagine not having any control over your mind. Can you just for one second stop and think how scary that is for both the patient and their loved ones?
4. Please do not tell us oh just have him/her go to the doctor it will be fine with medication.
First of all, some Bipolar patients are master manipulators. They know how to play the medical staff so no one knows exactly how sick they are. The mental health system is failing in many ways. They tend to ONLY listen to the patient, not the caregivers. This is why Bipolar caregiver stress is so bad. For example, Every. Single. Time. my husband is hospitalized we tell them we want family counseling before he is released so we know what to do to stop his frequent inpatient stays. They agreed, then suddenly he would call me and say “oh, I’m being released tomorrow”. It is stressful, to say the least.
Not to mention medication is not the end-all to be all. There are different medications, and medication doses. Not every medication works for every person. Plus medication only helps manage the symptoms, it does not make them go away. My family has never been supportive of me being with my husband because of his mental illness. They do not like that he does not always stay on his medication (a wonderful (note the sarcasm) symptom of Bipolar patients). They feel if he just took them every day the way he is supposed to, he will be perfectly fine. Guess what? Even when he does take them daily, he still has symptoms. They just are not as severe.
5. Don’t tell us to just leave!
Again, Rude! Stop and think about it. How would you feel if someone you loved, walked out of your life because you had a mental illness? That would really help you to stabilize right? No, of course, it would not! We are perfectly well aware of how stressful/complicated our life is. This is especially true if we have children with him/her.
Things were not always easy at the beginning of our relationship when I was learning about Bipolar and what it means to have a partner with the disease. It is easier, but by no means perfect or less stressful. I am his only caregiver (other than professionals). We have no family and very few friends. Not to mention I have my own medical problems and stress does not help them either.
6. I saved the “best” for last: Do not say “I wouldn’t put up with (insert type of behavior) for a minute:
Really? You do not know what you would or would not deal with until you are in that position. We cannot “knock sense” into them or “whip them into shape”. My husband is well aware of how his illness affects me. He will often break down and cry and say to me “I wish I was able to provide for you more”. That breaks my heart because I am not lacking for anything. All I ask for is his love and loyalty. I have that 100% we are each other’s best friends; we are the love of each other’s life. We are each other’s present and future!
Do you want to be supportive and help someone that is dating someone with bipolar?
There are some simple things you can do to help.
- Just listen to us!
- Drop off dinner. Not having to worry about dinner for a night is more of stress relief you can imagine.
- Take the caregiver out to lunch. We tend to forget to take care of ourselves. We need a break and to feel human. We need the attention to be with us for a while.
Hopefully, this post helps you know how to be supportive and help someone you know that is dating someone with Bipolar. If you are a caregiver yourself, you can find help and support at NAMI. They help with support and education for caregivers and give them tools to help with their bipolar caregiver stress and more.
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